The Tale of an Ex Self Mutilator

[death.by.gummy.bear]

after coming across numerous incidents about people under going certain dilemmas in life, i suddenly found myself looking back a couple of years ago in my life... and suddenly i saw myself years before... during a time in my life when i was depressed and confused... i remembered how i used to deal with life's consequences... and it all came back... suddenly...

 

i used to do self harm... although until now, i still cant find a reason why i did those. honestly, it all started when i was in highschool, being exposed to all sorts of violence, peer pressures and the demands of my not-so-perfect-family-who-thinks-they-are. i have no choice and no where to run... ive been with all kinds of friends, from junkies, to alcoholics, even those that some call f*ck friends. ive slept around with a lot of guys, trying to find that someone whom i think is the one, someone who i thought would love me for who i am... the desperate little confused soul who only wants to be owned... i gave them everything, time, love, even myself... but, little did i know, i would only be left alone in the end. i can never count how many times ive been broken hearted and i couldnt even count how many times ive woke up in someone elses bedroom with a throbbing headache and a hang over... and thats when everything started. i think i got fed up with everything thats been going on with my life.

always the same routine, day and night... i would be asleep at daylight, and at midnight, id find myself in every bar in town, trying to consume as much alcohol as i can, as if it was the very last bottle... when i come home, everything starts again... id sit down on the floor, light up a cigarette and then id take out this little box where i used to put those small razor sharp things i use to mutilate myself, even the bloody pieces of clothes i used to wipe myself... i cant feel a thing whenever i do it... because i am numb... even my soul was numb...

i know i will definitely get nothing in return whenever i see blood dripping and oozing from the wounds that i have inflicted on myself... but i feel a sense of completeness, its the only time i feel alive and human, because im bleeding... its like i have just succeeded in doing something, something that my family would never appreciate. until there came a time when my family had to bring to me to a psychiatrist... i used to spend whole days inside a small white room with a piece of paper and a some crayons, then the doctor would come in and ask what have i done, whats been going on in my mind and stuffs like that... and i was analyzed to have bipolar disorder... there's also this one type of depression which i heard the doctor said to be dysthymia... whatever, i said...

anyway, i was given a prescription drug, an anti depressant... which, at first really worked and calmed me down, sometimes it even made me lethargic and melancholic... but only for a couple of weeks... the time would come when after taking that drug, i would lie wide awake for the whole night, without having any idea what to do but to harm myself again. and in the morning, my mum would find me with a fresh new wound on my arms or wrists... i became an excessive alcohol drinker... not a day would go by when you wouldnt see me without holding a bottle of beer or any kind of alcoholic drink... in the morning, i would drink two cans of beer... it was my coffee of choice... my auntie wanted me to join the alcoholics anonymous that time, so i decided to run away from home.

i was lost for 6 months... all my friends whom my family trusts had been looking for me, trying to talk me into coming home. but, i still remained that stubborn little prick... i turned my back on my TRUE FRIENDS. when i came back, nothing has changed. id still get drunk, and when i come back home, id harm myself more...

until the time came when all of a sudden, evrything just stopped... i found it weird when one day, i saw all the scars that was left, and just told myself... it has to end.

and so it did... nothing provoked me to stop, no one even told me to...

some people find self-harm or self-mutilating their only way of escaping the realities of life, its the only way they can prove to themselves and others that they, too are human... they need to be understood, not to be discriminated and condemned... or laughed at and branded... we have no rights to do so, for we don't have the slightest idea of what they are going through and what they are thinking.

they need someone who could understand them, someone who wont judge them... someone they can open up to... they need someone who would listen... someone to guide them... thats where true friends and families come in... they too, can help in such ways you can never imagine. try reaching out and offer them help... for once, listen to them...

i dont want to sound so perfect or somewhat dramatic, i just want to share what happened to me... i know im not the only one whos been through these kinds of things...
but, honestly, at some point in my life, ive thought about going back... and its hard not to... really.. f*ckin hard...

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@Kagome: I know, right! :P Anyway, thanks for the comment.:)

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@Kayra - Hmm... Thank you for letting me know. :)Yeah, it is kinda strange, don't you think... Taking back whatever he said... Tsk, tsk...

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@MEOW - Why did you remove your comment about that website? Share it with them... Let the whole world know what keeps you busy and who you are... Go on.

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@Kayra - Well Said... :) I just thought if I keep on letting others decide and say things for me, I might as well keep on hacking myself up. Everyone is worth fighting for, even if they are the lowliest aholes of all... I have proven myself... What about them? :)

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@MEOW _ I think you'd like this one, though... According to you name, that is.

 

http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t131/i_am_potter/coolkitty.jpg

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@MEOW - sorry ..what was i thinking...

 

Shit happens... :)

 

No need to apologize... Not offended.

 

 

 

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@MEOW -- you dumb fuck azzy .. give it  the fuck up --

 

What's the matter? Litter box is full??? Tsk, tsk...

 

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@isaah06 -

 

"How about you slash up to celebrate." --> Good idea... After you! :) Whining is not going to take me anywhere but down, and I'm so over whining, so yeah... I decided to get back at life, harder... I wouldn't let anyone give any shit about me, anymore..

 

I've also battled a lot to stay in one piece, yeah, I'm with you on that, so, a toast... Not a slash! :P

 

Once again, I value your opinion about self-harmers... As for them, there's nothing I can do... To each his own...If it's how they want to get back at life...

 

As for me, I consider myself lucky and I know there's still a lot of battles out there waiting for me... I am not giving up that easily again, so fuckin' bring it on!!

[death.by.gummy.bear]

@isaah06 -

 

Just like what you said... Plenty of them have gone through much worse... So, who are you to know if they do or dont get sympathy? I shared this not because I am not asking for sympathy, if that's what your pea for a brain thinks... And I'm not asking for any advice, so I don't think I have to go and cut away myself...  It's my choice to share this and I don't really care what others will think... No offense, but all of us here is entitled to their own opinions... So, yeah, I value your comment. Besides, it made laugh, honestly... So, I hope mine makes you laugh too... Nothing better than sharing something to laugh about, eh?

 

I maybe one of life's rejects, but, hell, I have proven myself worthy of having another shot at it, and, guess what, I'm still in one piece...

 

"I'll tell ya whats better than a blade... Get a 9" Angle Grinder. Start it up and drop your wrist on the disc.. Makes a good mess and wont stop bleeding.. You'll love it...." --> I'll tell ya what's even better... Why don't YOU try it first... For once... I'm sure it would make a better mess than mine... Besides, I think you'll love it more... Go on, end your bitterness in life... Then I'll have a GOOD LAUGH knowing about how one miserable person finally succeeded in something that I have failed... From the way you see life right now, I'm thinking that nobody's going to miss you anyway... I hope there are some who will, so, I can ask how messy it came out to be... 

 

Good luck! :D