The Beginning Of A New Life - Danielle's Life story... Part 1 - Coping with family complications and frustrations of choosing between freedom and guidance

[Jason Mills]

The beginning of a new life
Danielle's life story
By Jason Mills

20th June 2020
Dear Diary,

I really don’t know why I brought myself to start writing in a diary because, personally, I’m not that self-aware, and usually I don’t give much thought about my life, but a new experience is always great, to me anyway. My name is Danielle Morrison and I’m eighteen years old, a young woman who loves the city. It might seem that living in the middle of Dublin town would satisfy me and give people like me many opportunities, but all that other women around my age think about is material things; such as fashion and clothes, and these are things that I'm very careless about since I’m more focused on caring for my sick Mother who is suffering from lung cancer which has affected her badly and keeps her in an awful weak state… I really wish there was something I could do, to prevent this horrible sickness from taking over her lovely nature. I wish I could take my Mother’s illness so she could remain healthy, because to know that she’s safe keeps me happy and satisfied to know that, but unfortunately the reality isn’t like that at all. Living in the middle of Dublin’s city centre in an inner flat isn’t always easy for me to cope with, financially speaking, because my Mother isn’t capable of working by herself, so I try very hard to get part-time jobs whenever I can but the payments I receive aren’t worthwhile in our circumstances at all. My father passed away when I was too young to ever understand or know what he looked like. I don’t even have any photographs or anything. I just listen to all the kinds of stories based on her memories that my Mother told me when I was a little less young than I am now, and when she was more active and fit to do things. I cried when Mother told me that Daddy died from cancer that he had too; it was prostate cancer… I always hoped that there was something the doctors could do to help when Mum was getting treatment but there was nothing they could change when the cancer spread through her body, but they did support us as much as they possibly could and I respect that, very much. I really can’t imagine a life without my Mum; I’d be lost in heart and mind completely. I don’t have a big family at all. I have no brothers or sisters, and my relations are very distant, but I wouldn’t ever want to put that sort of burden on them, to care for my Mother I mean. I was an only child growing up, and I don’t mind at all… It’s hard to think of my loneliness and longing to live a happy life of my own when I had to look after my Mother since I was fourteen years old. My memory of school life was quite well though. I was a popular girl and a good student at my grades despite it all. My teachers thought I was too smart and intelligent to be around the friends I had, but my old friends understand me because they also had their own problems to bare. Sadly after secondary school I never got the opportunity to pursue my dream to go to Art College when I got a form to apply at one of the finest Art Colleges in Ireland. I even got a notice that told me that I was accepted to join, but I never did since my Mother’s sickness began shortly after school ended. My life so far isn’t great, but with great positivity I’m quite sure that things will turn out fine? Last night, Mum told me when I tucked her into bed that she wanted to die as soon as possible, so that this pain that she’s in, would end. I turned away so she couldn’t see my tears falling down my cheeks as I cried. It breaks my heart when she speaks in this way, and she mostly does it when she consumes alcohol at the same time. Believe me, I have tried to stop her from drinking, but she feels it’s the only way she can relax and feel comfortable within herself, but for me it’s rather frightening because Mum gets argumentative and blames me for everything she does and has done, but she never makes sense in that state. It’s just something I’ve come to terms with and got used to. As long as my Mother remains alive, everything that I feel and think about doesn’t necessarily matter anymore. I can almost feel the tears returning once again right now as I write this, so I better stop before I break down crying like a stream of water, and I don’t want Mum to wake up and hear or worry about me, since that could possibly bring her a heart attack.
Goodbye for a while!
Danielle
P.S I’d just like to mention that writing down all these feelings, thoughts and experiences in the way I do about my life, makes me feel much more at ease and reassured personally on the inside. I really just want my life to drag by to be honest, so that everything in this time of my life would end!

Saturday, 18th July 2020
Dear Diary,
It's been around a month since I've last wrote in this diary, but I'm sure you can't really blame me with the sort of situation in life I have at the moment. Mum's condition has been getting a lot worse recently, she keeps getting weaker and weaker every day. I hate having to admit this but right now I hate life. I want to die and forget all of this misery. Ugh, I seem so ungrateful don't I? What is wrong with me?! Why have I become such a selfish human being? I don't know, but I'm guessing it's because of the way life is for me right now! I want to get away from here and do so much... But I can't abandon my Mother and leave her astray, because who else but myself would take on such worry? I apologize! I feel so sorry. I shouldn't be such an obnoxious bitch over my self-pity, but unfortunately I'm going to be honest because this is how I really feel right now. Honesty is very important to me, and this is one of the reasons in why this Diary came about! There is something you should also know. Ever since I finished Secondary school (two years ago), I've never had time for friendships, dating or various of other connections that I could have had with all kinds of different people. The reason for this of course, is something that you already know: my Mum. I've tried to go outside many times before, but Mother would get very emotional, worried and thoughtful to the point where something would go wrong without me, and mostly expect me to stay in the flat with her, so really I don't have much freedom because the possibility of me going outside would make me feel overwhelmed with guilt, for my Mother. I think I should tell you some things that I know about my Mother's life. She is forty years old, and she actually came from a wealthy enough background from a hardworking family that owned a very successful bank company somewhere in the United States of America. When my Daddy travelled to the same state where my Mother was brought up when she was rather young, he was looking for a job at the time from the bank my Mother worked in, which as I've told you was owned by her family through past generations, and Mum was the secretary. When the employees, my family decided to give Daddy a job, he done office work with budgeting and things of this sort, to do with business work. After a while, my Mum's side of the family started to notice Daddy's hard-work in the company that they promoted him and they invited him over to my grandparent's penthouse for dinner, where my Mother lived. Of course he must have been extremely nervous because he didn't come from a rich family background like my Mother did, so it must have felt like different worlds to Mum. When Daddy met Mum after the dinner with her family, she told me that she instantly fell in love with his decent way of character and she knew he was the "one" for her. From then on, they met alone, by themselves, on several occasions after work as they were friends at this stage, and soon after a few months it developed into a romance when Daddy asked Mum out on a date. The following year, my parents dating turned into an engagement and then a marriage when Daddy's devotion and affection for Mum became a much more stronger chemistry of love. It was soon decided that they both wanted to live in Ireland where my Daddy was brought up living in Dublin, because my Mum had a deep interest in Irish culture and the ordinary reality of life. Two years later I was born and Daddy died shortly after my first birthday when I was only One years old, a toddler. I'm glad that I could at least get to know that my Daddy was a good man. Someone who was loving and hardworking. When my Mum came to Ireland, she left all her wealthy past and family behind because she wanted to be seen as an ordinary, normal person with ideals that she wanted to achieve alone, by her own independence. That is the reason why Daddy and Mum bought this flat after I was born for us to live in. They tried to never think of all the money they wanted but they always reminded each other of all the love, that kept them truly successful through happiness on the inside in each other's presence.
I'm so worried about my Mother because ever since she's become weak, she has to go to the local hospital next week where she'll need to rest more. Even though she has been resting most of the time in the flat, the doctor thinks it's much better and safe if they could take care and give her treatment with the guidance of the hospital staff. I'm just happy that I can visit her whenever I want to, this is what the doctor told me yesterday when he came to visit us in the flat, to see how Mum's been. I'm awfully concerned for Mother now, but I'm afraid to ask her in how she's feeling because she might get too upset and want to be left alone. From her weakness and constant resting I've never got to spend time talking with her like we once did when she was well, and I can't help but think that she's soon going to die and leave me all alone. And when I think of things like that... It's hard to believe that I'll ever feel as worthy to life without her! Oh God... Help me!
Danielle

Saturday, 8th August 2020
To my dearest Diary,
I've got terrible news to share about Mum, but first I want to avoid this situation at mind because it's really all draining my mind to despair, to death. Mother's been at the hospital for two weeks now, and nothing's improving. She's just getting more and more in terrifying shape. And that's not the worst part. I find, the worse part that ever since Mum's been getting treatment with 'chemotherapy', she's constantly vomiting, and I can't take away her pain or flow of sickness that comes and goes; where things one day look better or improving to suddenly bad and worse. I even asked the doctor if this process was causing my Mother with vomiting, and he said was part of the treatment and that it was but he thinks Mum's unlikely to survive it for long with the amount of weakness and spread this cancer had badly given her. I regret this, but guess what I done when the doctor told me this? I let out my anger and frustration while thumping him in the face! Thankfully Mother was asleep at the time when I was at the reception area in the hospital where the doctor was speaking with me until I let my feelings show. I ran out of the hospital after I done this. I was so wrong to do that, but Diary, I had no one else to discuss my feelings or sadness with! I had no one for support, but you right now. I seem like such a loner! Confiding all my worries, emotions and thoughts on paper, and not with a human being who can communicate back, but perhaps for now it's better that way because I can't accept any real judgments by people in this time. It seems pretty convincing that I'm so alone in the world, and maybe that is the best for now because I wouldn't want to share my personal side with anyone who would misunderstand or judge, me, for my flow of thought on the moment. So, I realize now that my Mother isn't just sick or weak, but she's dying. A few nights ago, I lay my head beside my Mother's hospital bed as she slept, and she awoke and said, "I love you Danni", and I didn't reply or show any reaction but stayed rested and just listened and took in those gorgeous words from Mum. What does a person that is so loving and caring like Mum, come to deserve cancer? Why does anyone face such bad problems? I don't know for sure, but I think it's because their far too good for this world, who deserve so much better, to be at rest in peace. Life surely can be unpredictable, and guess what's more? So am I!
I'm at home in the flat right now, and I'm just sitting here at the small dining table with the window wide open where there's a beautiful breeze in the night. I have no lights on but that of the skies and the moon shining through the room from the near windowpane, because I can't afford to waste my electricity bill, and this dimness is quite enough for now. At this time of night, I always take a gaze out the window at the public people going about through the streets towards the city. And when I see them strolling along by the footpaths or driving by in their vehicles, it makes me wonder what their also going through, and when I see people smiling or feeling happy or good, I become a little jealous because that is how I'd so like to be one day! I'm really exhausted and I should turn in and get some rest now.
Danielle!

Monday, 31st August 2020
Dear Diary!
I hate to tell you this, but... Mum died last week, on Monday the 24th. There was no way I could have had the time to write until now because I was in so much shock. She died in her sleep, God love her, so I'm guessing that was better than coping with cancer when she was alive. When people say, "how does it feel to lose someone when they die?", I must say that from losing my both parents to cancer, it's truly unexplainably painful! I feel dead inside, as if I've no happy feelings anymore because my family were the only people who cared and loved me; they showed me happiness growing up. And now I'm just an utter disgrace. I've never cried as much in all my life as I did when Mum died, in all through my life I've never felt so sad and empty, but now I'm just shocked that I have. The evening my Mother died, I've done things... Things that I'm not proud of at all, things that are both disgusting and embarrassing, but Diary since this is confidential, I'll tell you.
When my Mother died at 6pm last week, I cried uncontrollably until the hospital staff had to take her away from me. That night I didn't go home, I went to this local bar called 'Fallons' and got heavily drunk and started flirting with several old men. I really don't know what came over me, but I had sex with a stranger that night who was far too old, and the next day I woke up in such a horrible state from a hangover and immediately left, feeling like a slut and vomited constantly. I felt even more bad, because every time I got sick... It reminded me of Mum when I was there for her when she was sick, and that made me think twice as bad. I think, when people drink alcohol, especially when their hiding something or are damaged by someone, they react badly without logically realizing what they're doing. I know from what I done makes me never want to drink again. Well, at least not in confusing times like mine. I'm all alone now, and I feel extremely awful, really I do! I can't even imagine a brighter side coming out of all this life, and that's not bad thinking; it seems to be the truth. I attempted suicide the other night too, but it never worked. I couldn't seem to bring myself to do it, and that made me burst into tears because I don't know why my conscience stopped me from going further into killing myself. I tried keeping my head under water while I was in the bath until I couldn't breathe any longer, but I wasn't strong enough to let this attempt go any longer than thirty seconds. Mum's funeral is tomorrow, where she'll rest next to Daddy's grave, and I don't think I'll bring myself to go. I can't let go! But I'm going to try my hardest to stand there and watch them lower Mum's coffin into the ground. But right now I can only imagine myself jumping in with her, even if it means being buried alive. I have to say my goodbyes but I want to be gone in spirit with Mum! I keep crying in my sleep too... Because (sigh)... I do dream of Mum reuniting with Daddy again... But is it really just a fantasy for me, to think like that...?!
Danielle Morrison