Stupid Science Ruins Everything

[logan]

If you've been reading about, talking to, or, like the world's most exciting supermodels, massaging Logan Terry, you know that an underground group called Logan Terry has been warning the public about the dangers of technology without responsibility for years. I sent an angry letter to Congress about the growing intelligence of our public bathrooms, got no response, and I was personally stalked and killed by a computerized soap dispenser, all in an attempt to send the message: "Don't build things that want to kill you and CAN."

You have to understand. I don't do it because I'm trying to save the world; if I gave a fuck about saving the world I'd be a parking lot attendant or a cowboy. I'd at least wear a cape, and anyone who knows me knows I only wear a cape when I'm being intimate. No, dear reader, I fight my good fight against the man so that when robots are walking across the landscape of our laser-blasted skeletons, I can say, "I told you so." Perhaps even, "Boo yah."

What bring me to the subject is that in the last month scientists have been talking about a new robo-invention-- Gastroids. Gastroids are robots that run on meat. And I know what you're thinking, fatties: "Oh shit. I'm 94% meat. Blarg blaarg all this thinking is making me hungry." Well, the normal sizes are targets too. Gastroids can run on almost any kind of nourishment from sugar to vegetables to of course, your laser-blasted skeleton. The inventor Adam Wilkinson from the University of South Florida found a way to use bacteria to break food down and turn it into electricity. He said that a robot like this could "have an unlimited power supply and be able to exist on its own outdoors," finally fulfilling man's need to watch immortal robots gallop through America's pastures. Thanks a fucking lot, science.

What really sets the Gastroids apart from all the other robots that have wanted to kill us is how renewable their fuel source is. While the Catholic church keeps masturbation illegal, people are always going to be having delicious high octane children. At least with the Terminators, you figured they'd eventually run out of the little red light bulbs for those cool glowing eyes. New Scientist magazine says one of the first applications for Gastrobot technology might be a lawnmower that runs on grass clippings. Good idea. Give a robot a taste for human flesh, then attach a whirling blade to it. Maybe we could have it fire electrified throwing stars, or lease them out as babysitters when they don't have to mow lawns, Shithead Scientist magazine.

Granted, sure, I might be overreacting. At worse, an out-of-control lawnmower will cost us a few hundred thousand suburbian feet. Those bourgeois fucks can afford prosthetic feet. And thanks to New Scientist magazine, they can probably get prosthetic feet that run on the owner's ankle meat. Problem solved.

[Vijayalekshmi Omana]

nice post