more jokes

[bent]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand
to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't
mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32 " the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies,"I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there
was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me
put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You're 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?".

The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The
black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab
replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the
cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle
of my owner's bed."

The black lab asks, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," comes the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab says. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday,
my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
and I just couldn't help myself -- I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

why does it take 1 million sperm to fertalize an egg?
they dont stop and ask for directions

what do electric trains and breasts have in common?
they were both intended for children, but men usually wind up playing with them

how do you know a man's brain is larger than a dogs?
they dont hump women's legs at cocktail partys

why do men masturbate?
its sex with someone they love

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you might expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to
the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued
until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir,
this IS a union house."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Two lesbians are out golfing. They both hit the ball and one goes to the left, the other goes to the right.

The first woman finds her ball in a field of buttercups. She hits a beautiful shot and sends the ball sailing across the green. Unfortunately, she destroys
the buttercups.

Suddenly a goddess appears and says, "I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you have treated my buttercups. As a consequence, each time you taste
butter you will be sickened to the point of total nausea. You will never
be able to eat butter again." The goddess then disappears as quickly as she
appeared.

Shaken, the woman calls to her partner ,"Hey, did you find your ball?"

The second woman replies "Yes, it's over here in these pussy willows."

The first woman yells "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt
was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over
her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish
man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even
she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as
the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

Sam was a college professor for 25 years and finally got sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity
as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a 300 lb.,
six-foot-three-inch tall bearded man in a fur hat and overalls standing there.

"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," said Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years of teaching college kids, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he started to leave Lars stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam said, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turned from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem!" said Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the couple
on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS,

WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE VASELINE!"

Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at
his house or hers and they always ate chicken salad. This continued until
they were ready to start school.

The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their
chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them with the promised that
they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together
every day.

The children took their chicken salad sandwiches every day and always ate together. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch
one day and the boy, startled, said: "That's not chicken salad. You said
you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your natural
life. What's THAT stuff?"

To which, the girl said: "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad but I can't eat it any more."

Boy: "Why not?"

Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers!"

Boy: "You are not!"

Girl: "Yes, I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad any more!"

Boy: "I don't believe you - let me see."

Girl: "I can't show you my feathers."

Boy: "I don't believe you."

So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties.

Boy: "Wow! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life."

Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy at his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch.

The girl, sniffing, exclaimed: "That's not chicken salad! You said you were going to eat chicken salad the rest of your natural life. What's THAT stuff?"

To which the boy responded: "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad any more. I'm growing feathers, too!"

Girl: "Let me see."

Boy: "Oh, no! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers."

Girl retorts: "I showed you mine."

Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours."

They went around the building again and he dropped his pants.

The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: "You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzard, too!"

confucious says:

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face

Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;
you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said."And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord,
she's fainted!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes
after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and
drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- 5 MILES. He slowly begins to think that the signs are for real when
he drives past third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading: SISTERS OF
MERCY.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers,
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."

The nun leads him down a hallway, then stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is
answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and
places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign: GO
IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves,
causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says,

"Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church?"

"No," said the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church," says the priest.

Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. Once again, Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns
in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church!" exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue
their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, in the country, there are no midget
nuns in the whole world! Now sit down!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant could be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."