Impassive Contemplation

[Mew]

Staring out the window, time seems to pass in phases of centuries and moments.
My thoughts are being cluttered by the undying need to write something.
Anything.
The flow of thoughts from when my mind unraveled.
Yet it left me guilty and outspoken.
Taking into consideration of everything that's been happening, I can't be anything more than thoughtful.
The nights I used to feel a presence, a warmth, but that was taken from me.

I spend my nights wondering if I've been making the right decisions, or if I'm allowing my mind too much comfort.
Too much space to linger on everything, yet think of absolutely nothing.
Last night I dreamed I coughed and puked up blood.
When I was about to have a mental breakdown, he was there.
Arms wrapped around my vulnerable self.
But I couldn't have been sure.
But why can't I think properly?
Random thoughts have been flooding my mind, to the extent that I have to write them somewhere.
But when I realize what I'm writing, I've lost the reason behind it.
I feel utterly worn down, but for what reason?
Or how??
That I'm unsure, but it's bothering me to no end.
Endless words flowed out of me.
I was never confused, only sure of most things.
Now I can't think straight.
Descriptions fill my mind, but once I've started writing, they've been taken away.
Why???
Am I not allowed to fill the empty pages with words?
I've never understood why.
Why.
Why.
Why.
The only word that seems to catch on anymore.
Perhaps I was too comfortable with the ability to spill everything my mind was showing me.
But it's been 3 years, and I haven't written.
Not a single word.
Was I warned this would happen?
And if not, did I deserve it?
Or has all I've worked up to become nothing but impassive contemplation?