i cause my own suffering...

[fen mh]

I am the cause of almost all the suffering in my life, I thought that before but now I know it. Maybe suffering is too harsh of a word, let's say problems.
When I think about my life and imagine someone else living it, I think that it's pretty good. And I know that I do have reasons to love my life. But I have no patience and that takes the light off of good things and makes me see the bad things.
I have my pony. I love her so much and am so happy to have her. Who lives like me and has a pony? That alone is a reason to be overjoyed.
I party hardcore with the craziest people I know. LSD, MDMA, speed and grass, mix it all together and you got the world's most positive insanity. I feel out of this world at those times, and I don't even get downsome when the party is over because I know that the date for the next one is already set and we'll all be there having just as mucg fun as all the last times. But inbetween those dates I feel, hell, I don't know what I feel. I just don't feel as happy -at least not everyday- as I have every reason to feel.
I am finally getting away from my opiate dependence. I spent half my life on morphine and H, well, the last 6 years on methadone with H on the side at times for different reasons. I am finally so sick of being dependent that I decided not to solely rely on hopefully having the power of will, but I engaged in some self-sabotage -i made sure that the doc won't take me back after this- as an insurance to make sure that I will HAVE to come off. And that is also something I should be so happy about. And I am happy about it because 3 more weeks, and there will be no more methadone program for me. And I really want this. But of course I'm also scared of it because I don't know how I will feel and for how long I will feel withdrawals... And that's that thing about having no patience because I know that everything in my life keeps getting better in the long run, it just gets difficult for a little while. Isn't that a huge reason to be happy?
I guess I am happy and am just frustrated when I am not totally giddy and positively excited. No patience, no way to deal with this season, no tolerance for the fact that inbetween times of total fun and crazy stuff there will always be normal days. Some people spent their entire lifes always having nothing but normal days and never get to do the things I love. And a lot of them are happy.
I'm not sure what to add to this. I think I said what I wanted to say.

[fen mh]

Thanks for the comments.

Who is Kai?

And what's with the angry panda?

[Chill Pill]

time to end this suffering

[fen mh]

LOL, *you* read it. and you dind't even understand it...