Blaaah.

[Nosferaazar]

Meh. This isn't something I'm too thrilled about discussing publicly, however I do enjoy the anonymity element of this particular site. So ...

I'm still sort of frustrated with my relationship. It's not him, it's his lifestyle and how it affects us as an item. That sentence alone might give the wrong impression ... like he's some sort of substance abuser who deals out of our home while the kids are asleep in the next room.

No, no - nothing like that. He's the complete opposite, actually. It's an issue of his strong Christian faith and my complete lack of an organized faith altogether. Maybe if I actually prescribed to a mainstream religion - whether Christian or not - I'd be able to handle this whole situation with more ease.

I don't like feeling like second best. It's irksome and down right weird when you're competing for your boyfriend's attention with someone who isn't even alive. Jesus has one up on me, that's for sure.

I am completely aware that he loves me (my boyfriend, not Jesus ... well, maybe Jesus - guess we'll see once I die =x), but there's something missing. It's like I can't have all of him. The sad thing is, I know he'd agree with that, too. In his heart, he wouldn't try to refute it; he knows no one can have him in his entirety except his God.

Also, after nearly a year into the relationship (with over five years of friendship prior to romantic involvement) the attention I received the first six or seven months is starting to ... dwindle. Kinda. There isn't the same excitement to talk that I sensed before. These days, it's not uncommon for us to go a night or two - or four - without talking on the phone because he falls asleep before he remembers to call or is in a "weird emotional state". Back in May that would have been unheard of.

I don't want to sound as if I'm being whiny or over-dramatic or even over-sensitive, but he really means so much to me and, on top of being my best friend, the one person I'm always happy to talk to about almost anything, it's hard enough going day by day unable to see each other because of the distance. I look forward to the simple late night phone calls so much as it's the only thing we really have at this point between visits.

I don't want to take back being in this relationship, but it's true about what people say - the whole deal where staying friends is always easier and safer. No wonder he used the topic of "risk" to start a conversation that lead into a confession of feelings for me. It was risky to take that step forward in our friendship, and it continues to be shaky for me. I wish he'd tell me more about how he feels toward all of this. We've only spoken occasionally about it ... maybe three times at most.

I'm sure given more time things will work themselves out in what ultimately will be best for us - whether that means we remain a couple or have to move on. While I don't want to consider the latter, I must be realistic and not disregard that as a possibility. But, really, it's hard to even conceive that there'd be anyone else out there who is right for me. He's is and has been my best friend for a reason, after all, and I don't make such decisions lightly.