jokes

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have
them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"
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A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said,

"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
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Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?" "Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
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Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
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A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
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A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the doc's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynecologist."
And that's when the proctologist fainted.
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A group of kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
'You need to use Big People words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use Big People words'.
She then asked little Johnny what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.
'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the Shit.'
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Dear Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, I, President Obama have decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as I,
President Obama deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants
& Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by me, President Obama.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. I, President Obama have
always prided myself on the amount of SHIT I give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.
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P.S.
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,
as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has
been turned off
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successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than two minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high rollin' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH MY GOD," screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!!"
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Three Hillbillies Bob, Robert, and Bill are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

Hillbilly Bob : 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

Hillbilly Robert says: 'Why is that stupid?'

Hillbilly Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

Hillbilly Robert says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!'

Hillbilly Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

Hillbilly Robert says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

Hillbilly Bill says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
Hillbillies Bob and Robert say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

Hillbilly Bill says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'
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reasons men have more than one dog and not more
than one wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog - they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. A dog has a reason for living in a dog house.

14. Most dogs don't visit hairdressers.

15. Dogs don't fight you for control of that remote control.

16. Dogs can be trained to obey.

17. Dogs never complain about your cooking.

18. Dogs never complain if you snore.

19. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

20. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by
a young woman with three small children running around at her
feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a
child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,
we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in
what manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts
it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
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A man telephones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's when you drop
the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give
it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the
progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost
immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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if the owl is the bird of wisdom
and the dove is the bird of peace

what then is the bird of true love?


the swallow
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2 guys sittin at a bar braggin to each other
the first guy says said,"I'll fuck anybody, anytime, anywhere. I'll do it inside, outside or in the car. In public, in private, clothes on or buck naked. Standing up or laying down. I've done it since college and i love it!"
The 2nd guy looks up from his beer and says, "No shit! I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"
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so billy and mandy are 10 years old, and decide that they are in love and should get married
billy, trying to be a gentleman, asks mandy's father for her hand
mandy's father, thinking this is too cute, decides to ask billy 'where will you live'
'oh' says billy 'probably in her room, its much larger than mine, and we will both fit there comfortably'
a little taken aback, her father continues 'well, how will you support my daughter'
quick as you please billy responds 'well with my 10 dollar per week allowance and her 5 dollar per week allowance we make 60+ dollars a month, we should live nicely for a while'
now, quite shocked at the amount of thought bily has obviously put into this, her father trys to throw him a curve 'well, billy, i see you have thought this out carefully, but, what will you do if you should have little ones of your own?'
to which billy replies 'well, sir, we have been lucky so far.'