If only one more day...

After a bad choice come consequesnces, after bad judgement comes regret, and after consequences come pain. Not only for the one who made the bad choice but for everyone in their life and close to their heart too. Does any of this seem fair? Thats the question thats been running thru my head for the last month now. But what is fair really? Someone wins the lottery and recieves alot of money, is it fair? Yes for the one that wont the money but what about the many people who never win? You go to a carnival and spend $1 on a game, you toss the darts and pop all the balloons so you win the big stuffed animal, is it fair? To you yes but what about to the mother who just spent $10 to win the same stuffed animal for her little girl whose been crying for it? My point is the painful consequences of someones actions may be fair for what the did but what about all of the innocent people along the way that hurt as a result of the situation. With all that being said, now comes knowing I can't see him again or shouldn't see him again, this brings alot of emotions. Since I am aware of how long it may be til we meet up again, I have thought of all the things I would do or say if only I had just one more day. Out of all the things I could say, the most important would be this, "Why?? Why did you make the choices that you did? I want to understand. I need to understand to justify all of my own feelings and pain. You need to know that even tho I forgive you, I am hurt,disappointed, and feel betrayed. You are so much of my inspiration, my integrity, and strength that now I am lost. It feels like you were being selfish and only thinking of yourself, not of the consequences, and not of me altho I needed you to think of me. I forgive you, I'm still proud of you just not of the choices you made. Remember you are only human and I still love you." Then after I said all of that I would run up and hug him. I'd kiss the top of his head and tell him I forgive him. We would stand there in each others arms hoping just for a few moments the world would stand still. These few moments would feel special, like nothing and no one could break out embrace. I can feel my heart beating so hard I am suprised he cant feel it. While the worlds laughter and smiles filled our minds, we could just be lost in this peaceful moment. Suddenly reality hits me, nothing is good anymore. All the thoughts, feelings, truth, it washes over me like a wave from the ocean. I feel like I am drowning, it hurts to breath anymore. Nothing will ever be the same again. I realize the truth is that he did wrong and now I pay the price. I lost my best friend. All my memories, the laughing, the crying, the good, the bad, its all gone. I think to myself, if only one more day...I stop. There are no more days. They are gone. As I cry, the only thing I want is one hug, one kiss, and one chance to undo the past, the mistakes, the consequences. I wake up, its all been a dream. Then I feel it again, the truth once more. The damage has already beendone. All the bad was true, that one bad choice would change my life forever. The only part that was a dream was the good. All that I said, the hug, the kiss, time standing still....Thatwas just a dream. I will never forget that feeling of peace in my heart, I will never forget him, I love him forever. The end! Only it doesnt end there does it...I dont wanna hurt anymore and I dont wanna feel anymore. I wanna be numb...wanna disappear...now what??