In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they've been used."
Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the
President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks good,
for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your
mouth."
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. "What is your name?" – asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the kid.
You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I ’m in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat
him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.. When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."
The Stimulus is Working!
People should lighten up on President Obama. Just last month he got jobs for 63 Republicans!
Call Me Senator- Video- hilarious
Actual Mug Shots
What do they have in common? Look at their shirts....Have you ever seen a mug shot of someone wearing a Bush t-shirt?...
WHY I'M DEPRESSED Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ………… “Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
Information about Gonorrhealectim
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The
disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced
"Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible
obamanation.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your
rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now
most people, after having been infected for the past
1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive
this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called
Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the
second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such
behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent
and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now
Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on
the wall.
Think about this: 1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing... and the traditional caps, they looked almost... as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received astanding ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage... simply looked at the audience and said,
‘GOD BLESS YOU And he walked off stage...
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Fi nally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Senator Harry Reid Buys a Car
Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes.
After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000. Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.
The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."
Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"
The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".
Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".
And I say without any doubt or embarrassment:
NO S__T!
Get with the program Harry !!!!!!!!!!
Short spelling lesson:
The last four letters in American.... .....I Can
The last four letters in Republican.. .....I Can
The last four letters in Democrats... .....Rats
End of Lesson
Test to follow in November
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit's still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow...
I sat, as did millions of
Other Americans, and watched as the government
Under went a peaceful transition
Of power a few months ago. At first, I felt a swell
Of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office.
However, all that pride
Quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines, In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then
That I realized how far
America 's Military had deteriorated. Every damn one of them missed the bastard.
Peace at Last
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the:
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Code named: "BUBBA"
These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:
1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They're directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday. Applications available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy..
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window
and make 56 million people very happy.'
Four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's 'excuse me?'"
Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no
health care, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you
will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health
care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you no health care.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any
income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
1948 Cartoon- Everyone should see this, including kids!!-click here
*Twas the month before Christmas* *When all through our land,*
*Not a Christian was praying*
*Nor taking a stand.*
*See the PC Police had taken away,*
*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*
*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*
*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*
*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*
* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*
*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*
*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*
*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*
*Something was changing, something quite odd! *
*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*
*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*
*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*
* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*
*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*
*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*
*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*
*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*
*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*
*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*
*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*
*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*
*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*
* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*
*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*
*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*
*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*
*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*
*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*
*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS , not Happy Holiday !*
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason' for the Christ-mas Season!
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Thank you
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
A car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".
Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board. He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it. He started laughing and laughing. Then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh too.
Psalm 109:8 "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a closed packet and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.
Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
NoBama Man- Video
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday …
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth....
They grow up so fast, don't they?
.
Obama Solves More Conflicts- Funny Video
B A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass." Out of
nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the
first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets up, rubbing his
cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too! " Out of nowhere, another local
punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar
stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
A man, having been turned away at the Pearly Gates, was nonetheless grinning from ear to ear. Upon being asked about his inappropriate demeanor, he explained. "Saint Peter said that I was being refused because I knowingly voted for candidates who support abortion, assisted suicide, and embryonic stem cell research. But then I realized, 'Hey! I might be six feet under but, thanks to ACORN, I can continue to vote for those same candidates again, and again, and again...'"
The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama, but immediately was inundated with complaints that it was not adhering to envelopes.
The president was enraged and ordered a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.
There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.
Hmmm....what else can I do to screw over America.....
Late one night in Washington, D.C., a robber jumps a well-dressed man and sticks a gun to his back.
The robber demands, "Give me your money!"
The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me! I'm a U.S. congressman!"
The robber says, "In that case, give me MY money!"
The bronze rat A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning the names of their kids.
5. The most highly paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on for you.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And my most favorite indicator of all.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
He's a Superhero!! Barack Obama. Watch here....
US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor by creating this:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
A Stimulus Story
It is the month of April, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government under President BHO is doing business today.
Barack Obama: "I only saw Rod Blagojevich one time ... and that was in the stands and from a distance at a Chicago Bears Football Game."
REALLY???
No Words Needed...
"Obama has more czars than the Romanovs — who ruled Russia for 3 centuries. Romanovs 18, cyberczar makes 20. " – Sen. John McCain on his Twitter page.
Democrats on an Escalator- Video...This says it all
An old widower lived alone and wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath.
This made him ... what?
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Obamaman can- Song, Watch & Listen...
The economy is so bad…
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Gold diggers are marrying for love.
Even people who were not hired by the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Bangladesh are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the U.S.?"
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat.... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3 trillion disappear.
The Fairy...
A beautiful Fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.
'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United
States with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them
all over here'.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an
upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish'.
'I want to be like an American, with American clothes instead of these clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have
white skin like Americans.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the
mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared.
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources department chief during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later, the boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!!!" the leader said. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!"
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of th e NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work. Play golf.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the heck is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
"Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'" –Jay Leno
"Wait a minute now, I didn't authorize ATTACKS on the Pirates, I authorized A TAX on the pirates"
DOCTOR LESTER'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"
If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
Caution: potential side effects may include immediate nauseous and or vomiting.
Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc. Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes.
God Bless America
Nancy & the Pope
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did
You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But
did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY
person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts,
and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago , put it in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
THE FIFTY DOLLAR LESSON
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "if you were President, what would the first thing you would do?"
She replied, " I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal" I told her. " But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull the weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked " Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, " Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
The Priest, Harry and Nancy
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the
priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't
know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our
images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's hand in his right hand and Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look
of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." The old priest
continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do
the same."
Updated: March 32, 2009 Steelers to lose Super Bowl Trophies
Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the
only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack
Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super
Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.
“We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl.” said Obama “We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times.” Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers.
“The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well.” Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, “In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan.”
“My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league.” Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about losing any Super Bowl Trophies. “The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title.” Obama promises. “We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change.
It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league.” The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again.
The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.
Steelers must now share their wealth and fruits of their success and hard work.
The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir!"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The
Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand Dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah,"says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one, the third one is Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 68, struck by lightning." "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "She thought she was having her picture taken."
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. The notorious Area 51 was created to aid in the cover-up.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr. Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know.
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how
old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned
but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining
their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student;
but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for
assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by
his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went
to fetch it.. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other
shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on;
this fighting between our nations, this hatred, this animosity, this
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?
THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MARINES!
Things President Obama does intead of watching the stock market
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he
is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family
before!"
Actual Driver License of Illegal Immigrant at Traffic Stop
Most Children opposed to Universal Health Care- The Onion. Video
NBA or NFL? 36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly
bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
Neither, it's the 435 members of the
United States Congress
The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Stimulus Bill Explanation
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill.
Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help
me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you."
The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend
project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor /handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end,
and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."
The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."
The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his
economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when
this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it
was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction
/of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.
They failed and it closed.
Now we trust the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
Actual Letter to the Editor- Wichita Falls Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Ed Barnett
Wichita Falls
Stimulus: A Tale of Three Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Letter intercepted from the Mental Facility: To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to
know there is a non-partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness through out.
My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan.
We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best Wishes, John and Cindy McCain
PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
New Flag of the USA
You'll now get one of these every week!!! Where will YOU spend yours?
C.K. Louis - sums up our culture pretty well- funny. Video
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replies, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle."
Nancy Pelosi, Madame Speaker
Good old Harry Truman observed, "My choice early in life was either to be a
piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell
the truth, there is hardly any difference. I, for one,
believe the piano player job to be much more honorable than
current politicians."
Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough.
Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota.
Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb? A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this?
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it.
Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: No need, Obama is the Light.
Q: How many Congresspersons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, but they'll allocate a few billion to achieve change under the Obama Stimulus Bill.
Q: How many Minnesota Canvassing Board members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends. They'll only change it if it looks like a vote for Coleman.
Q: How many Oprah Winfrey fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The bulb's not so light these days.
Q: How many Cubans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: There have been no lightbulbs since the USSR collapsed.
Q: How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What's a lightbulb?
Q: How many Hollywood celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Six to make movies about evil lightbulb companies, twelve to lecture about the unequal distribution of light on late night talk shows and nine to get caught with drugs hidden in cartons of lightbulbs.
Q: How many Obama appointees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: His team is currently in the process of finding someone from the Clinton Administration who knows how.
Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: She's never thought about it but now that you mention it, she'd love for someone to change it for her.
Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The bulb is a lot more burnt out than we thought. Clearly, the bulb has deteriorated. It might not be changed as quickly as we would like.
Q: How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins around.
Q: How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five... you gotta problem with that, buddy?
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they just pass a law against burnt out bulbs and then walk away wondering how come its still dark.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None...it’s above his pay grade.
Q: How many people does it take to help Barney Frank put up a light bulb? A: He can do it all by himself, but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.
Q: How many progressives does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One: When he/she/it realizes that the bulb not working the light coming on over his/her/its head will be more than sufficient to illuminate the room.
Q: How many progressives does it to take to change a lightbulb? A: Why would you change it when you can ban it?
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a progressive? A: None. Some things will never see the light no matter how brightly it shines.
Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: She’s never, you know, thought about it but, you know, now that you, you know, mention it, you know, she’d love for someone to, you know, change it for her, you know.
Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Excuse me. Light bulbs are just another part of the soulless industrial society we should be moving away from in our mission to save Mother earth from warming. Obama's brother doesn't need no stinking light bulb and neither should we.
New Supreme Court Decision on Death Penalty- Video, ...Satire
Nursery story for the day.........
The Little Red Hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall
have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. 'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said
the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red
hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. 'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's
discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.
But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and
marched around and around the little red hen, shouting
obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is
what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone
in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our
modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now
I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She
never again baked bread because she joined the
'party' and got her bread free.
And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps
no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the
rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people,
who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that
they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
The New Car I bought a new car a few days ago and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" He said "Nelson", and the radio replied "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!", he continued, and "On The Road Again" started blaring from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and, in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" began playing. I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said "Beatles" I'd get one of their songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly wrecked my new car but I swerved just in time to avoid them. I yelled "Assholes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
This is a great car!
Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Hear "Frank Sinatra" sing "Strangers on my Flight"- funny
me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'
Hey, there's a new concept!!
"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien
It's all about the Ice Cream ... >
> The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while
> teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election
> was heating up and some of the children showed an
> interest. I decided we would have an election for a class
> president. We would choose our nominees. They would make
> a campaign speech and the class would vote.
>
> To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other
> class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics
> these students should have. We got many nominations and from
> those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
>
> The class had done a great job in their selections. Both
> candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an
> advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had
> never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they
> were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had
> specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
> He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone
> applauded.
>
> He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was
> concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will
> give you ice cream."
>
> She sat down.
>
> The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice
> cream."
>
> She surely would say more. She did not have to. A
> discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice
> cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or
> would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The
> class really didn't care. All they were thinking about
> was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land
> slide.
> Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice
> cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like
> nine-year-olds. They want ice cream. The other fifty
> percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.
>
>
Video: Obama backers not sure what to do with their lives since the election.- funny
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a bass boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican .'
'I am,' replied the bass fisherman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, ' everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat .'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the bass fisherman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
There are two ways to "spread the wealth:" 1. Confiscate money from those who earned it and hand it out to those who didn't. This is also known as "communism."
2. Allow those who know how to earn money to employ those who don't and provide them with jobs. This is known as "capitalism."
People who like to receive more than they have earned usually vote for No. 1. People who like to keep more of what they earn usually vote for No. 2.
________________________________________
God must really love stupid people....He made so many of them. And they were obviously out in force on election day.
A RUN
by elreydelmundo
Nov 15, 2013
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they've been used."
Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the
President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks good,
for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your
mouth."
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.
"What is your name?" – asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the kid.
You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I ’m in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" – and she beat
him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.. When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."
The Stimulus is Working!
People should lighten up on President Obama. Just last month he got jobs for 63 Republicans!
Call Me Senator- Video- hilarious
Actual Mug Shots
What do they have in common? Look at their shirts....Have you ever seen a mug shot of someone wearing a Bush t-shirt?...
WHY I'M DEPRESSED
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………
“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
Information about Gonorrhealectim
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning
about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The
disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced
"Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible
obamanation.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high
risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your
rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now
most people, after having been infected for the past
1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive
this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured
with a new drug just coming on the market called
Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the
second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such
behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent
and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like
Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now
Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on
the wall.
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing... and the traditional caps, they looked almost... as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received astanding ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!
The student on stage... simply looked at the audience and said,
‘GOD BLESS YOU
And he walked off stage...
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Fi nally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Senator Harry Reid Buys a Car
Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes.
After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.
Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.
The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."
Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"
The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".
Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".
And I say without any doubt or embarrassment:
NO S__T!
Get with the program Harry !!!!!!!!!!
Short spelling lesson:
The last four letters in American.... .....I Can
The last four letters in Republican.. .....I Can
The last four letters in Democrats... .....Rats
End of Lesson
Test to follow in November
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time that week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit's still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the
waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My
treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller
Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For
your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
The World's Shortest Books:
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
____________ _________ _________ _________ _
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
____________ _________ _________ _________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
____________ _________ _________ __
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
THE SEQUEL
by Bill Clinton
____________ _________ _________ _____
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________ _________ _________ ______
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
____________ _________ _________ ___
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
____________ _________ _________ _______
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
____________ _________ _________ _____
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
____________ _________ _________ ____
TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________ _________ _________ ___
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
____________ _________ _________ _________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
____________ _________ _
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson
____________ _________ _
WOMEN I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH
by TIGER WOODS
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *******
AND JUST ADDED:
COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!
by Nancy Pelosi
Subject: Arrest report
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow...
I sat, as did millions of
Other Americans, and watched as the government
Under went a peaceful transition
Of power a few months ago. At first, I felt a swell
Of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office.
However, all that pride
Quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then
That I realized how far
America 's Military had deteriorated.
Every damn one of them missed the bastard.
Peace at Last
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the:
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Code named: "BUBBA"
These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They're directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Applications available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.
The Top Ten Reasons
Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy..
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window
and make 56 million people very happy.'
Four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's 'excuse me?'"
Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no
health care, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you
will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health
care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you no health care.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any
income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
1948 Cartoon- Everyone should see this, including kids!!-click here
*Twas the month before Christmas*
*When all through our land,*
*Not a Christian was praying*
*Nor taking a stand.*
*See the PC Police had taken away,*
*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*
*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*
*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*
*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*
* December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*
*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*
*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*
*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*
*Something was changing, something quite odd! *
*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*
*In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*
*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*
* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*
*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*
*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*
*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*
*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*
*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*
*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*
*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*
*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*
*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*
* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*
*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*
*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*
*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*
*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*
*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*
*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,
not Happy Holiday !*
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Christ is The Reason' for the Christ-mas Season!
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Thank you
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
Scene in the United States Capitol this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not
been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to
fill the stable.
A car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".
Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board. He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it. He started laughing and laughing. Then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh too.
Psalm 109:8 "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a closed packet and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.
Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
NoBama Man- Video
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday …
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth....
They grow up so fast, don't they?
.
Obama Solves More Conflicts- Funny Video
B
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass." Out of
nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the
first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets up, rubbing his
cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV
and says, "She is a horse's ass too! " Out of nowhere, another local
punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar
stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
A man, having been turned away at the Pearly Gates, was nonetheless grinning from ear to ear. Upon being asked about his inappropriate demeanor, he explained.
"Saint Peter said that I was being refused because I knowingly voted for candidates who support abortion, assisted suicide, and embryonic stem cell research. But then I realized, 'Hey! I might be six feet under but, thanks to ACORN, I can continue to vote for those same candidates again, and again, and again...'"
The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama, but immediately was inundated with complaints that it was not adhering to envelopes.
The president was enraged and ordered a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order.
There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.
Hmmm....what else can I do to screw over America.....
Late one night in Washington, D.C., a robber jumps a well-dressed man and sticks a gun to his back.
The robber demands, "Give me your money!"
The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me! I'm a U.S. congressman!"
The robber says, "In that case, give me MY money!"
The bronze rat
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning the names of their kids.
5. The most highly paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on for you.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And my most favorite indicator of all.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
He's a Superhero!! Barack Obama. Watch here....
US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor by creating this:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
A Stimulus Story
It is the month of April, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining,
and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and
goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the
butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig
grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the
supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his
debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note
to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and
takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and
looks to the future with a lot of optimism..
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government under
President BHO is doing business today.
Barack Obama: "I only saw Rod Blagojevich one time ... and that was in the stands and from a distance at a Chicago Bears Football Game."
REALLY???
No Words Needed...
"Obama has more czars than the Romanovs — who ruled Russia for 3 centuries. Romanovs 18, cyberczar makes 20. " – Sen. John McCain on his Twitter page.
Democrats on an Escalator- Video...This says it all
An old widower lived alone and wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath.
This made him ... what?
A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Obamaman can- Song, Watch & Listen...
The economy is so bad…
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Gold diggers are marrying for love.
Even people who were not hired by the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Bangladesh are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the U.S.?"
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat.... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $3 trillion disappear.
The Fairy...
A beautiful Fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside
a Maryland immigration office.
'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and
told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United
States with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --
PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them
all over here'.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an
upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish'.
'I want to be like an American, with American clothes instead of these
clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have
white skin like Americans.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the
mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you
have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared.
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources department chief during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later, the boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!!!" the leader said. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!"
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their
days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of th e NYSE, Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the heck is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
"Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'" –Jay Leno
"Wait a minute now, I didn't authorize ATTACKS on the Pirates, I authorized A TAX on the pirates"
DOCTOR LESTER'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"
If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
Caution: potential side effects may include immediate nauseous and or vomiting.
Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc. Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes.
God Bless America
Nancy & the Pope
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge
crowd. The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did
You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But
did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY
person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts,
and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago , put it in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
THE FIFTY DOLLAR LESSON
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "if you were President, what would the first thing you would do?"
She replied, " I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal" I told her. " But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull the weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked " Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, " Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
The Priest, Harry and Nancy
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years He had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I
die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the
priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't
know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our
images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy 's hand in
his right hand and Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look
of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why
did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." The old priest
continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do
the same."
Updated: March 32, 2009
Steelers to lose Super Bowl Trophies
Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the
only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack
Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super
Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.
“We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl.” said Obama “We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times.” Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers.
“The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well.” Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, “In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for
every team, for every city and for every fan.”
“My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league.” Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about losing any Super Bowl Trophies. “The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title.” Obama promises. “We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change.
It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league.” The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again.
The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys
will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.
Steelers must now share their wealth and fruits of their success and hard work.
The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir!"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The
Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand Dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah,"says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one, the third one is Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 68, struck by lightning." "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "She thought she was having her picture taken."
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. The notorious Area 51 was created to aid in the cover-up.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know.
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly
rather true.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common
Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how
old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't
spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned
but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for
doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining
their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student;
but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself
from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for
assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and
Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by
his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle
seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went
to fetch it.. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other
shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on;
this fighting between our nations, this hatred, this animosity, this
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?
THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MARINES!
Things President Obama does intead of watching the stock market
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove
wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared,
wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he
is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her
cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family
before!"
Actual Driver License of Illegal Immigrant at Traffic Stop
Most Children opposed to Universal Health Care- The Onion. Video
NBA or NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly
bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
Neither,
it's the 435 members of the
United States Congress
The
same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Stimulus Bill Explanation
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics
professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill.
Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my
office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help
me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you."
The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the
professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend
project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor /handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own
bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end,
and fill your bucket with as much water as you can."
The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow
end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."
The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many
more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make
the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious,
but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the
deep end, the student began to become worried that his
economics professor had gone mad.
The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable
time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when
this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it
was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction
/of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.
They failed and it closed.
Now we trust the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
Actual Letter to the Editor- Wichita Falls
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Ed Barnett
Wichita Falls
Stimulus: A Tale of Three Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Letter intercepted from the Mental Facility:
To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to
know there is a non-partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness through out.
My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you
for shooting President Reagan.
We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have
driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best Wishes, John and Cindy McCain
PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
New Flag of the USA
You'll now get one of these every week!!! Where will YOU spend yours?
C.K. Louis - sums up our culture pretty well- funny. Video
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replies, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle."
Nancy Pelosi, Madame Speaker
Good old Harry Truman observed,
"My choice early in life was either to be a
piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell
the truth, there is hardly any difference. I, for one,
believe the piano player job to be much more honorable than
current politicians."
Jackie Mason- his views on Obama - Watch here.
**Nancy Pelosi's Dream Car- Watch Video....Funny!!**
Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough.
Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota.
Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this?
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it.
Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No need, Obama is the Light.
Q: How many Congresspersons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, but they'll allocate a few billion to achieve change under the Obama Stimulus Bill.
Q: How many Minnesota Canvassing Board members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends. They'll only change it if it looks like a vote for Coleman.
Q: How many Oprah Winfrey fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The bulb's not so light these days.
Q: How many Cubans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: There have been no lightbulbs since the USSR collapsed.
Q: How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?
Q: How many Hollywood celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six to make movies about evil lightbulb companies, twelve to lecture about the unequal distribution of light on late night talk shows and nine to get caught with drugs hidden in cartons of lightbulbs.
Q: How many Obama appointees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: His team is currently in the process of finding someone from the Clinton Administration who knows how.
Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: She's never thought about it but now that you mention it, she'd love for someone to change it for her.
Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The bulb is a lot more burnt out than we thought. Clearly, the bulb has deteriorated. It might not be changed as quickly as we would like.
Q: How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to drink until the room spins around.
Q: How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five... you gotta problem with that, buddy?
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just pass a law against burnt out bulbs and then walk away wondering how come its still dark.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many President Elect Obamas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None...it’s above his pay grade.
Q: How many people does it take to help Barney Frank put up a light bulb?
A: He can do it all by himself, but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.
Q: How many progressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One: When he/she/it realizes that the bulb not working the light coming on over his/her/its head will be more than sufficient to illuminate the room.
Q: How many progressives does it to take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why would you change it when you can ban it?
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a progressive?
A: None. Some things will never see the light no matter how brightly it shines.
Q: How many Caroline Kennedys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: She’s never, you know, thought about it but, you know, now that you, you know, mention it, you know, she’d love for someone to, you know, change it for her, you know.
Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Excuse me. Light bulbs are just another part of the soulless industrial society we should be moving away from in our mission to save Mother earth from warming. Obama's brother doesn't need no stinking light bulb and neither should we.
New Supreme Court Decision on Death Penalty- Video, ...Satire
Nursery story for the day.........
The Little Red Hen called all of her Democrat neighbors
together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall
have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said
the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red
hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's
discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.
But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and
marched around and around the little red hen, shouting
obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red
hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is
what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone
in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our
modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little
red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now
I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She
never again baked bread because she joined the
'party' and got her bread free.
And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps
no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the
rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people,
who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that
they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?
The New Car
I bought a new car a few days ago and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" He said "Nelson", and the radio replied "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!", he continued, and "On The Road Again" started blaring from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and, in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" began playing. I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said "Beatles" I'd get one of their songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly wrecked my new car but I swerved just in time to avoid them. I yelled "Assholes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
This is a great car!
Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Hear "Frank Sinatra" sing "Strangers on my Flight"- funny
me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'
Hey, there's a new concept!!
"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien
It's all about the Ice Cream ...
>
> The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while
> teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election
> was heating up and some of the children showed an
> interest. I decided we would have an election for a class
> president. We would choose our nominees. They would make
> a campaign speech and the class would vote.
>
> To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other
> class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics
> these students should have. We got many nominations and from
> those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
>
> The class had done a great job in their selections. Both
> candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an
> advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had
> never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they
> were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had
> specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
> He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone
> applauded.
>
> He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was
> concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will
> give you ice cream."
>
> She sat down.
>
> The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice
> cream."
>
> She surely would say more. She did not have to. A
> discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice
> cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or
> would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The
> class really didn't care. All they were thinking about
> was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land
> slide.
> Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice
> cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like
> nine-year-olds. They want ice cream. The other fifty
> percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.
>
>
Video: Obama backers not sure what to do with their lives since the election.- funny
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a bass boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican .'
'I am,' replied the bass fisherman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, ' everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat .'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the bass fisherman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
There are two ways to "spread the wealth:"
1. Confiscate money from those who earned it and hand it out to those who didn't. This is also known as "communism."
2. Allow those who know how to earn money to employ those who don't and provide them with jobs. This is known as "capitalism."
People who like to receive more than they have earned usually vote for No. 1. People who like to keep more of what they earn usually vote for No. 2.
________________________________________
God must really love stupid people....He made so many of them. And they were obviously out in force on election day.
_____________________________________________
________________________________
Is the White House a "No Smoking" zone???
Incidentally, Obama wants Federal Ban on smoking.
Video...The Front Fell Off- funny
Video...McCain at Alfred E. Smith dinner...
Video...McCain Smith dinner Part 2