Change

All this year has brought since January is a series of profound changes in my life ... and all of them take place back in the desert.

I've tried to be grown up about these things adjust my attitude about these things after each initial freak-out period, but after yet another blow today I've realized that I've really been pushing back the frustration rather than processing and eradicating it.

So first, very abruptly, my parents inform me in January that they're moving to a new house. This means leaving my childhood home, a place they put 22 years of hard work into and paid off about five years ago. I was quite appalled for a good month or so but after reciting a constant mantra of "this is what they want, this is what makes them happy" I thought I had learned to get over it. 

Plus, they kept reassuring me that they were going to rent the old house out and it would stay in the family for me when I'd eventually move back to Arizona.

So, I thought I was doing well ...

Then my brother moved.

Then my dog died after 11 years together ... also very abruptly.

Now my parents are starting to he-and-haw about the energy (or lack there of) that owning two properties and overseeing one from afar will entail.

To be blunt: it seems like they're going to sell the old house after all.

All these things have transpired while I've been living across the country, away from my family for the first time in life. It hasn't even been a year yet, but it's felt like ten already. This, by far, has been the most challenging thing I've ever done ... college and graduate school were almost nothing compared to the emotional toll this change has had on me.

I know that the one certain thing in life is that things will change, but it's so fucking hard to deal with right now.

All these events have transpired in such a short time frame and while I've been far from home. It's overwhelming, really.

I find myself wanting to cling to old habits or even search my contacts for friends I used to converse with in the "good old days" - people who have been gone from regular contact for at least a couple years.

I kind of feel lost in a void of space, floating around aimlessly and numb while everything rushes around evolving and moving on. Everyone is going on their way and I'm just stuck floating in the empty space by myself... no one else is with me because none of them are experiencing the feeling of loss alongside me.

These are the times I want to go for a walk and find a stranger to talk to. I've never exactly done that before, but the sensation seems somewhat familiar only because I've had some anonymous chat sessions with "friends" online in the past; people I had never met, never would, and never exchanged names, but we talked about everything from religion and philosophy to music and literature. It's best to keep topics general/universal and profound when conversing with strange internet people ;D

And, I digress...

I suppose the point of this entry was to just let out the intense feelings I was experiencing after the phone conversation with my parents tonight. I'm sure they can tell I'm not happy about the decision, but they know what they want and what's best for them at this point in life, so my petty immaturity won't sway any of that...and for good reason - who wants to be the source of their parents' unhappiness?

I certainly don't, but I would like to find some alternative source of relief from this deluge of anxiousness.