Words I've written lately.

by Knickletits

Aug 29, 2012

Fuck you.
I packed my life into my fist and then I punched the sidewalk. Bits scattered, wind blew, and all I’m left is broken. And it’s wrong, but it hurts too much to care anymore. You say you’re bleeding, but what have I been doing for the past three years? Just sitting idly by? And you spit my secrets over everything, while I still have yours tucked away neatly. I can’t sink to your level, but I sure can want to. I love how I’ve turned into Hyde while you play Jekyll, but is it really fair? This wasn’t a one person game we played. If it had been this would be so much easier.

And now I’m vulnerable. Getting looked up and down and I have no defense. “Sorry I have a…” nothing. I have nothing anymore. And so like a phoenix from the ashes i’m becoming beauty borne of destruction, and nothing you can do can take that away. I’m ok, I’m ok.

So I listen to Silversun and get in that moody way I do- picking problems out of nothing- molehill mountains are my forte. But then I remember how alright I am without you- alone but never solitary, there’s more to life than being incomplete. I’m completely me now, and I’m finding I’m someone I’ve never met before. And I love it.

Yeah so maybe I’m sorry, but this was gonna happen someday and at least it happened in a bandaid way- quick without drawn out agony. You’ll get better someday and I can stay ok and maybe we’ll meet again. But for now this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. Just me.

 

 

Alone

I don’t like how afraid my hands are to be empty. The constant twiddling, a melody of paper cranes and inked up napkins betray my insecurity. I’m lost without my pens.

And I don’t like how scared I am to be. Just be. I’ve been a human doing for so long and it’s wearisome. I feel worn down on the edges, like you could peel a layer off at my elbow and I may not even notice. Words and numbers cascade out of me, colliding til Im just making noise for the sake of it- the silence creates a hollow in my chest too familiar to bear. So I fill it with this symphony of nothing, hoping sound and nonsense syllables will fill me up again. But it just covers the hole, doesn’t fill it.

I don’t know where it came from, this crater in my heartspace that screams agony when I’m alone with me. I dared my reflection to sit in myself for 10 minutes and ended up with tears in my hairline. Im broken in some subtle way, and I don’t know how to fix it. It scares me.

So I fill pages full of letters and write poems to my mirror. Learning to be whole again is tiring, but fulfilling all at once. I’m ready to be my own best friend- just figuring that out is hard enough.

 

What Could Be


 There’s all this space between us, it’s like the ocean’s playing a nasty trick. And I love how even our punctuation marks match up, no nonsense syllables getting us out of time- you and I click, mesh, entwine in such a way that our spaces make no difference.
But I’d like to fill the spaces ‘tween your fingers with mine, and feel your heartbeat with a seashell ear and hear your nighttime whispers. Just once.
So I write yellow-paged letters and laugh at how insane I am. Like I’ve finally gotten a chance, but what chance is there when you’re miles away across this blue and I don’t even know what to do with myself down here? It’s fantasy.
But I like this fantasy for now.

What Was 

It’s funny how we do this dance with no music playing. What sound could have such an ironic, twisted beat anyways? This aint no Patsy Cline romance, it’s dangerous like KISS and sadder than McLachlan.
And it’s ugly how you turn this all around on me- your part loomed huge even if it was more subtle. The words that blew between us like smoke were always stale in my ears, choking me to some sort of oblivion. I trusted you while you lied. And I knew it.
So I’m moving on while you’re moving backwards and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. I won’t take on this pain when it’s your’s to bear. I’m fine now without you and I think it’s gonna be ok. For both of us.
Just don’t give up on life.

 

  • ISAAH06

    I don't know if its because I know a tiny bit of whats going down in your life, or what it is. But I read this from start to finish (a miricle by itself). I could actually relate to it and wanted to read more. Like that never happens to me. Well done Manda, you accomplished what no one else ever has.

    Aug 29, 2012