A Not so Secret Secret...

*PostSecret - is an ongoing community mail art project, created by Frank Warren, in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. Select secrets are then posted on the PostSecret website, or used for PostSecret's books or museum exhibits. The simple concept of the project was that completely anonymous people decorate a postcard and portray a secret that they had never previously revealed. No restrictions are made on the content of the secret; only that it must be completely truthful and must never have been spoken before.

Before PostSecrets came, I used to think I'm the biggest loser there is when it comes to love, life and family. Like the way I always end up with the wrong guy, or the "friends" whom I thought they were led me to do things that I know I shouldnt do, the way I seem to screw up every oppurtunity given to me to have a better shot at life, and with the fact that my family thinks I never do anything right, more like, they see me as the blacksheep in the family. I did all that I can just to prove them wrong, but somehow, they have a way of their own to keep me feeling bad about myself. It's never easy to accept who you are when there is always someone trying to find faults in you no matter how hard you try to be the best person you can be. It's never easy to be the person you wanted to be when there is always someone who thinks they are better than you and that you can never be that person. So, I ended up sitting in one corner, trying so hard to look for the REAL person I really am, and ended up more confused than ever, and it threw me into a state of angst and depression, which led me to become an alcoholic, and a self mutilator, yes, I did cut myself a lot before, just to forget the emotional pain I was feeling that time, and i tried drugs, but only ONCE, in my whole life, hard to believe, but it is the truth. I became so angry with life and I've lost the will to live. I just let myself get carried away with the flow of life, not really giving a f*ck where I would end up. Then I sort of ran away from home when a time came when I just couldnt take everything anymore... I went to live with my grandmother who was always seeing a tiny spark of light in my whole being. She believed in me and she never saw the flaws that I have, but instead, she helped me overcome it. She gave me more than enough chances to change the way I lived my life. But, still, the things and the people that I've been trying to run away from seems to keep on running after me as well. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to tell them to let me breathe and let me be the person I've always wanted to be. I wanted them to see that my soul is sending out a silent plea for help and that I'm crying deep down inside... They never listened. I just dont know how to let them know the pain that I'm feeling without hurting any of their feelings, or without stating the obvious. So, I ended up writing whatever it is that I have in mind. I used to carry around with me an old journal given to me by my grandmother. It contains all the secrets that I've been keeping locked up inside my mind. A valuable treasure that had been kept for so long, until finally lighting it up in flames for fear that someone might discover my "secrets".

When PostSecrets came, I was surprised to find out that I am not the only one who feels this way. I've slowly learned to accept everything without bitterness, anger and grief. Knowing that other people out there also feel the same way I do. It's not that I'm happy to find them as miserable as I am, its just that I know, I'm not alone and someone out there do understand me. So, it made me want to do more, and move on, to prove to everyone and to myself that I am not the LOSER they all think I am. Although I admit, at some point in life, I find it hard to move on, so I rely on time to help me heal. We all look for someone who will listen, accept us inspite of our shortcomings and we all long for someone who wont laugh once we've told them what we have been trying to hide, no matter how ridiculous or absurd it may be.

Things have slowly changed for the better, although, on some occasions, I do find myself going back to the way I was before, or I am back to the way it was before... I admit, it's hard to get rid of it, but I try my best.