Permalink Reply by Painmethod on November 5, 2010 at 7:27am
Permalink Reply by Knickletits on February 24, 2013 at 5:15pm I'm going through old threads and I WISH I had never deleted my account, coz I would have LOVED to see what I had posted. YES those caps were necessary.
Back when I was posting a shitton of pictures of my facial region before I think I can name four sources, though I'm sure there were more:
1. boredom/extreme inebriation- I literally did nothing but drugs all day back then. Like I just sat in my apartment and smoked and snorted and sold and that's it. So playing with the webcam was REALLY fun most days.
2. Body dysmorphic disorder- I genuinely have no idea what I look like, it's really... aggravating. To say the least. So sometimes I'll literally just stare in the mirror or take pictures of myself trying to actually see. Add emotional coloring into the mix and it became a pretty interesting experiment. I'd look at certain pictures when I was happy or sad and see two completely different faces. I'd think I was ok looking, I'd think I was horrific. It all depended on where my head was that day.
3. Extreme low self esteem- Fuck yes, I hated myself. And the fact that people on here gave me compliments was 1. very odd for me, and 2. very nice.
4. I thought it was a good way for me to track myself, eating disorder wise. Which doesn't make sense because I can't tell what I look like, but back then I didn't know that. I thought eventually I'd see a thin person looking back at me and be happy. But even when I'm thin I see a fat person, so it really doesn't matter.
Now I post a lot of pictures for some of the same and different reasons. Number 2 still stands. I still try to see myself as I am every day. I genuinely HATE not being able to trust my eyes. (or my ears sometimes.) It's frustrating. I have the hope that one day I'll see the same image every time I look in the mirror or at a photo. Also, I'm fucking attractive- it's kind of a thing. But does believing that make me vain? Can I not celebrate the fact that I'm aesthetically pleasing without being a concieted asshole? Where's the line drawn between having healthy self esteem and vanity? I feel like vain people believe they're better than others- and I definitely don't fit that qualifier. I can enjoy my face and not be an asshole.
Reading through this thread it definitely seems like you have some vanity in you, Arson. Maybe you should explore the correlation between that and your complete lack of pictures. (Except that hair covering face one you posted once.) (Yes, I remember that.)
You know you've made a good thread when people reply to it 2 years later.
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